I’ve been holding on to the hope that my mother would come around since telling her that Kayla was pregnant around July 2016.
I thought to myself: Hey, she might be upset about this unexpected pregnancy but she’ll come around. Mum might be tough but her love is unconditional. Right?
December 2016 – Maybe mum will see I haven’t abandoned her and that I’m still the same son she’s always known when she sees that I’m looking after the store for dad so he can go on holiday with her, even during one of the most stressful moments in my life so far. Maybe she’ll even appreciate that I’m willing to sacrifice the last month of free time I have left before baby is born?
January 2017 – Maybe she’ll come around when he’s born and she sees him for the first time. How could a mother resist seeing her first grandchild, right?
December 2017 – Maybe she’ll come around on his first Christmas
January 2018 – Maybe she’ll come around on his first Birthday when he starts finding his feet and see’s that Kayla and I are managing parenthood?
February 2018 – Maybe, just maybe, if I keep going around with Jai every now and then, I’ll slowly chip away at her and all will be well.
25 December 2018 – I’ve lost that last shred of hope.
You’ve ignored him before from a distance and that’s fine. But today during our visit he came to you on his own and you pushed him aside like he was nothing. Thrown off the first time like any almost 2 year old who has never experienced a reaction like that before, he yelled out “Cuddle?” in his little voice before making his second attempt. An innocent bub who was all smiles with his loving and playful attitude came up to you not once but twice for a cuddle and you showed him such distaste.
I watched Kayla’s heart sink as she told Jai “Honey she doesn’t want to cuddle you.” as she pulled him away to safety. I saw tears building up in her eyes and in that moment my heart completely shattered and a mix of anger and disappointment began flowing through me.
How could someone who raised me be so damn heartless?
You and dad raised me well and gave me resources and opportunities I am very grateful for but you’ve failed me as a mother when I needed you the most and you’ve failed your grandson as a grandmother altogether.
The saddest part during this has been the inability to stay connected with everyone else in the family because of you. Dad loses out on seeing a grandson who adores him regularly because he has to keep the balance. You restricted your own daughter from seeing her nephew let alone looking after him.
Because of this we have no support from family.
I’ve tried talking this out with you, I’ve tried waiting it out, I’ve tried being proactive. Everything has failed.
So, today I’ve given up on you and the hope of you ever coming around. I’ve accepted the fact that your love has conditions. Even if we are blood and you raised me.
If there’s one thing I can thank you for throughout this fucking shit storm of a journey it’s this:
Thank you for teaching me how I’ll love my kid/s and how they’ll love others. Unconditionally.
Goodbye mother.